Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
