remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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