he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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