Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
