i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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