I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize