I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
