put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize