Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
