She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
