Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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