This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
