I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
