I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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