We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
