I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize