i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
