i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
