Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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