Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
