I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize