Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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