OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm sobbing to NWA
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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