this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
