I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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