I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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