I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
this will be a night to untag.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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