I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
