My liver just broke up with me...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
