nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't put those talents on a resume
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
