I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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