what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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