Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
