Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
