I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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