my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
