He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
