Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
