True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize