she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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