I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
