I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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