ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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