Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this hospital has no fireball
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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