When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize