Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
