Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
