Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
