i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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