oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh god it's open bar.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
