I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
