Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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