So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My underwear smells like fireworks.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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