Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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