If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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