Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
