I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize