This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
