I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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