Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
