So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
