Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
