I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
